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so here's the thing...I don't get people, like a lot of people...I just don't get them.

people tend to confuse me, or annoy me, or piss me off...people tend to be fake...not all just most...well not most...like 2 or 3!

I hate fake people...people who are fake for personal gain...not fake like me, fake to be fake for fake's sake...people who really try and fool people with their stupid smiles and coy gestures of affection or admiration...please, JUST STOP!

i hate people who think that the relationships they have ACTIVELY built and constructed through ridiculous means of munipulation make them cool or more admirable or more respected or more mature and a little less awkward and for the most part a LOT less real and genuine and therefore a lot less fucking desirable as a friend.

so I'm ranting...about who...just people...people that are...people who breathe and perhaps I hear them breathing occasionally...but oh well.

i miss the old stuff that I knew and was comfortable with...I miss the old ears that cared to listen and the old mouths that spoke truth and sincerity...i miss the old nights when conversation about everything and yet nothing at the same time flowed like water over the falls...i miss familiarity.

i do think that all people are inherently good, don't I? well at least i try and believe that...i want that to be true...but somewhere along the way people get distracted and knocked of track...or in some cases, purposely take an alternate route that they deem more appropriate and a little less bumpy...but i like bumps...really...were it not for bumps and I mean some BIG ass bumps...I would not be HALF the person I am today...and honestly, for the most part, i like the person i am today.

I'm real...or so i like to think. i'm me. more me than anybody else could ever be. i'm only good at being me. i can't be anyone else...i was another person, whether I want to admit it or not and whether it was something i chose to be consciously or not, another person for 15 years...well...that got old and i had to be me. and it works for me. or so I thought.

i don't get it...i ususally say what I am thinking and feeling...i joke and kid and am sarcastic and over the top and overbearing at times and perhaps a little too much to handle...i can see and admit that, but i did and still do think that i am approachable...especially by my friends, people who have talked to me about deeply personal things and know me and i think i know them and we should be able to talk to each other...

intimidated...of me...i'm intimidating...that's almost flattering condsidering i'm a sissy...but i don't want to be intimidating...i miss those who were not intimidated by me...who knew me...the me that is left when the jokes have been told and the smartass retorts have been delivered...i miss that...people who just knew what i was doing and understood and loved me and cared for me and people who's lives i played an intergral part of...

well...people should stop for a while and stop planning and scheming and munipulating and lying and running and hiding and fucking GET REAL...then this could all work.

and hell is really a resort in florida with a swimming pool and endless pina colodas...hmmm...maybe so!