Saying goodbye is hard to do...most of the time!

It's that time again; the time when I have to say goodbye to another close friend of mine. This time it is Samantha Burton, my dear friend who shares in my love of Tokyo Express. I love Sam, although I haven't always loved her. We are friends in spite of a rocky past. I think it is that past that has fortified our friendship and created the openness that the two of us share. I am going to miss her a lot!

I hate having to say goodbye to people that I am close to. It is not that they aren’t going to be a phone call or an email away, but it is hard to not have them be a short drive away. Talking to friends on the internet is not the same as meeting them for lunch or just hanging out and talking for hours about life and any and every mundane topic there is. The physical aspect of friendship is what I miss the most.

I love people. I am a people person in spite of my subconscious insecurities with myself. There is nothing more that I love than being around people, my friends, and talking, interacting, just being. The human connection is truly a special thing. I sometimes wonder if I am dependent on people. Not for monetary or emotional reasons, but I think I depend on, or have a need to be with people. I don’t like the idea of loneliness, although being alone if often a good and much needed thing.

I have many friends and I enjoy all of them for different reasons. But I can list on one hand the people who I have made real connections with. They are:

First, Ashley Bowen…lord I miss that girl. I never realized how much she meant to me until I thought I had lost her. She truly knows more about me than I think I know about myself. She was there for me when NO ONE else was there for me. She has seen me in my darkest hours and helped to pull me through. I regret the way I treated her. I was young and immature and didn’t realize just how important she was. I am so grateful to have been blessed with her friendship.

Then, Miguel Fuller, a very special person. He has a way of inspiring people to strive for greater good within themselves. His ambition and determination to succeed is contagious. There should be more people like him in this world. He allowed me the opportunity to be me at a time when I needed that more than anything. He was there to nurture my new found self discovery. We shared mutual interests, namely being gay, and we learned from each other and helped each other. He helped me grow immensely. I appreciate him a lot.

Next, Drew Davenport…it makes me sad to talk about him. We have had our ups and downs and are not as close as I would like, at all! I think the world of Drew. He was there during a difficult time in my life. He experienced the transitional period, a difficult period, a period of my life that produced some much regretted situations. The situation with Drew is a touchy one for me...I just wish he knew how I felt…and that I appreciate him for being there for me. I get all nervous talking about Drew.

I know this blog is public and that anyone can read it…but you know what; I use it for constructive purposes, so I will be honest. WOW! I am about to unload.

I met Drew in middle school and we became close in high school, about the end of my sophomore year. I was beginning to come to terms with my sexuality and starting to feel the real affects of what it meant to like boys. I liked Drew. Primarily because I got to know him and he was such nice person. He was like one of the sweetest people I had ever met. I could talk to him about things that I couldn’t even talk to Ashley about. He was always there to listen. I came out to Drew…the first person I came out to face to face. That was a big step.

It got hard for me to separate my feelings for him from our friendship. It made things weird…I started acting strange and things slowly fell apart. I regret that…but I didn’t know what to do with myself. I almost feel embarrassed to admit this, even to myself, but it hurt that he didn’t choose to open up to me as much as I did to him. In spite of all that…all the feelings and weirdness…I still think the world of him. I am happy for him and Mark. I wish them the best. And maybe one day we can all be close. Lord…that was tough.

And the newest member of this select group of people, Samantha Burton. We have been through some rocky terrain together. Things that she doesn’t like to discuss and I understand that. It was precisely those instances that helped to fortify the relationship that we currently share. Sam is a very open-minded and outspoken individual. She is someone that I can talk to about anything. She has a way of making you feel ok. Even though she may not agree with you on something…she is never one to ridicule you for it. I love talking to her. She has filled a void in my life at a time in my life that I needed her the most. She has furthered my growing process. I admire her tenacious personality…her non-apologetic approach to likes and dislikes. Samantha Burton…She’s a good thing.

Goodbye is never easy to say. And although I have never had to tell many people goodbye for good, it is still difficult. I appreciate all my friends and I hope they share the same sentiments for me. And even though it is so hard and I hate it as much as I do, I am grateful for goodbye. I think it is life’s subtle way of helping us to grow, of helping to strengthen us enough as individuals so that we can stand on our on. Although friendships may last forever, the physical aspects seldom do.

Well, I have sort of lost my train of thought…or maybe I am just burnt out from opening up so much. Lord, it’s late. The End!