The Glass Cat-astrophe

To be honest, I don't really know what to say. Today I had perhaps one of the most interesting experiences that I have had in a while. I had the privilege oh helping one of SGC’s finest and most beloved Faculty Members surprise her husband. We’ll just call her “Candie Cayne.” Some of you may be familiar with Mrs. Cayne, others not so much…this is her.



So yeah, I was sitting up in the Journalism room, minding my own business when Mrs. Cayne came by to inquire whether or not I would help her surprise her husband. I told her that I was going to Valdosta and that I would be leaving at 4:30. So at 4:31 she came bouncing back in and said, “You’re not gone! I am begging you to come and help me. Please!” I tried to pawn the job off on Kyle, but he wasn’t having it. He did, however, concede to coming along; big mistake!

First of all, the big surprise she kept referring to was replacing the cat proof cardboard on her new dining room table with a handy piece of glass that she had cut without her husband knowing and that she wanted to have in place once he got home. WTF? These are very interesting people, in case you haven’t picked that up by now.

We left to get the glass, but not before almost running into the side of a truck. Damn car-front blind spots. Gotta watch out! You never hear about the dangers they create, but believe me…they’ll get you killed. Or maybe it is the maniac driver that will kill you…I forget. Anyway…we got to the glass place after driving like 15mph all the way there, and there wasn’t enough room in the car for the both of us, Kyle and I, so I had to ride in the back of the station wagon, lying down on top of fucking kitty litter, trying to distribute my weight evenly so as not to crack the glass.

When Mrs. Cayne asked if I was comfortable, Kyle assured her that I was fine since I slept on a glass bed at home. Yeah, a glass bed! I’m not kidding…and she believed it. I told her that it was all part of an Eastern religion and just like the people who lay on beds of nails, it was all mind over matter. She asked, “And the glass doesn’t break?” I explained that one has to balance his or her Chi before being able to sleep on glass. I assured her I knew what I what was doing and she said to me, “If you can do that, more power to you!” This woman actually believed us!

Then I happened to spot a YARDSTICK in her backseat. I asked her about it and she said, “Well first of all, my husband (a science professor at the college) would tell you that it is, in fact, a meter stick.” I told her that I would then tell him that I was in fact “…not European!” She explained to me that a yardstick only has 36 inches and no centimeter marks and that a meter stick has 39 inches and centimeter marks. I told her that the piece of wood to which I was referring had 36 inches and she said, “I stand corrected.”

We get to her house and after she went in and cleared off the table and wrangled up all 400 of her cats, all the size of freaking Grizzly Bears I might add, Kyle and I took the piece of glass inside and put it on the table. I promise, I almost dropped the glass and ran when I got inside and smelled what I thought to be cat shit, piss, and human remains all mixed together. It was horrible. We tried to leave quickly, but it was then that ‘Candie’ discovered that the people hadn’t cut the glass to the appropriate size. We finally coxed her out of the house and then we left for the school.

On the way back to school I asked Kyle who Mary Louise Parker was. I knew who she was, but I was trying to make conversation in order to take my mind off of the smell of old people and rotten potatoes that filled her car. He told me that she was an actress. I asked if she starred in the Passion of the Christ as Mary. He assured me that she hadn’t. Then I asked whether or not it was Arnold Schwarzenegger who had played Jesus. Kyle told me no and I asked if Arnold was Puerto Rican. He said no, that he was Austrian. Then I asked whether Austria was in South America or not.

Candie, being the smarty pants that she is, laughed condescendingly. Kyle told me that it was not, and that it was actually in Europe. I then told him that I was fairly certain that it was in South America because I remembered talking about it in Spanish II. I suppose that was the straw that broke the ‘camel’s back’, both literally and figuratively. Candie interrupted and said that Austria was in Europe and that I was weird. I got angry and told her that she better not call me weird because I helped carry her glass inside. She looked at me in the rearview mirror as if to say, “I will run this car off the road and kill you and blame it on the horrible car-front blind spots and no one will ever know!” I became quiet.

We got back to the school and she put us out and we both looked at each other and laughed. Then she drove off in her little car that matched her tangerine tooth. And everyone lived happily ever after. The End!

Some pics!

Maybe this will help make my throat feel better!

OMG! This taste like shit and it doesn't even work!

Oooh, Chick-fil-A! Oh right, my throat still hurts. Thanks shitty tasting crap that I used and then put back on the shelf because it didn't even freaking help!

When all else fails, find a decent bookstore, spend about an hour searching for porn, and then get all your friends to look at it with you. YAY!

MY BAD...DANG!!!

Lord, I must have been out of it when I last posted. I have a few corrections to make thanks to my helpful friends.

1. 70's night took place in Mark's car...not Drew's.
2. Justin Lewis also came along with us to Valdosta.

Sorry pals. I really do love you both and am deeply sorry for my errors. Please forgive me. Later.

Coughing, Itching, Sniffling, Afro, and a trip to the ER!

For a while, it seemed that I was doing so well in keeping my blog updated fairly often. I even started to get crafty and add pictures and other accessories...but then I just stopped. Well, it is that time again. Time to get you all caught up with what's been going on in my life. I have so much to talk about and I think that the most effective way of sharing would be by subject. So here goes.

Soccer at SGC

Since I am working with Pete this fall that means that I have to attend every single home game of the SGC Men’s Soccer Team. Yeah. I never realized how much I enjoyed soccer. The actual game, that is. I mean with all that running and kicking and screaming and head shots and goals and nets and gnats and sun…who wouldn’t love it? There is something about being outside in the warm sun with friends and a cold bottle of water, watching very toned and athletic college boys, and girls, do something I could never in a million years do…chase a ball up and down a field for over an hour. It’s exciting. I have gotten so caught in the game that I even let out an occasional, “Let’s go Tigers!”

The last game I attended, this past Wednesday, was the best yet. I can’t recall the school we were playing…of wait…it was some military college. Anyway, the girl’s game went fine, they actually won! Now if you know anything about the success rate of the SGC Women’s Soccer team, you would understand why this win was such a big thing. They don’t win. God love them, they just don’t. But they did last Wednesday and everyone was so excited for them.

But then it was the boy’s turn. Now it is just a fact that boys play a much faster and usually more aggressive game of soccer as compared to the girls. But this game was the most intense yet! The boys were winning…by a good lead…and the other team started to get a little upset that things weren’t going as they would have liked. I had my eye on this hot guy, #5, wearing a John Deere hat and giving me the eye. Well, either me or the cute blonde girl sitting beside me. Anyway, for some reason…our boys started calling him “teabag.” I would hope that most of you know what that is referring to. I assume that at some point during the game, player #5’s ‘bag’ landed, by mistake I am sure, on the face of another player. Well, he didn’t take to the name very kindly and got a little pissed. So when one of our players yelled out “Teabag,” he didn’t like it and responded with, “Yeah, in your mouth!” OOOOOOHHHH! Now what! Let’s just say they had to call in Public Safety to keep things under control.

Speaking of Public Safety

We recently got in a new group of officers at our Public Safety Office. Apparently, due to budget cuts, it became to expensive to pay officers weekly rates, so the college opted to outsource the job to an independent security company and simply pays one flat fee per month to that company for the use of it’s officers.

All I really have to say about these new people is that they are nice. They are young and seem to like the power and the golf carts and the tack ass uniforms. OMG! You would have to see it to believe it. These people wear the most ridiculous red and blue striped polyester pants and a dingy white shirt. They have already blessed me with 3 parking tickets to date. Do they not realize that I get them dropped? Please, stop wasting those damn tickets. I ain’t paying shit! NEXT!

Pete’s New Workers

So as you all know, I work for Pete Brown in the media department of the college. Well, this semester she has broken a record for the most student workers in one department at one time. I promise you there’s like 15 people working for her. There is Me, Kevin, Kareem, Freshtae, Jennifer, Alicia, Danilo, Gato, Greg, Erin, and Jesse. I’m sure I am forgetting someone, but you get the point. I like them all. I enjoy their company and we have a great time.

The newest one, Jesse, is a guy from Thomasville, Ga., who grew up in Tallahassee, Fl. He is an interesting guy. He can be sort of strange, but he is cool. He says that he hates girls and could never see marrying one and that he really seems to connect best with gay guys because they are more emotional than regular guys, but he is madly in love with this girl from Valdosta. So I don’t know. Is he, isn’t he? Does it matter? Well duh, of course it matters stupid. I want to know. Damn.

70’s Night

I don’t really see a point in posting about this since it is already on like 5 other blogs and most of you already know about it, but I will give my little take on it anyway.

I was in Wal-Mart at some point…about a week or two ago…and I purchased an afro from the Halloween aisle. It was funny and I love wigs…and no, I don’t do Drag, nor am I interested! But anyway, I got it and took it to Ashley Purvis’ house one night and had my little jacket on and was stylin’ 70’s style when someone suggested that we all dress up in 70’s attire and go up to Wal-Mart and show off our new digs. I, being the wannabe costume designer/set decorator/actor/chocolate sampler, chose outfits for us all. Well, everyone except Justin. Freaking party pooper! We all looked super cute, especially Ashley.

We loaded up in Drew’s car and “headed out on the highway, looking for adventure!” We had a 70’s cd that Ashley and I had made the night before blasting in the car. We pulled up to Wal-Mart with YMCA blasting out the car and went inside and spent like 30 minutes roaming the store taking random photographs and scaring people off the aisles. It was fun and allowed us all to loosen up and go crazy. You should all try something similar sometime. We’re doing 80’s night next. Wanna join us? Let me know!

Other Miscellaneous Stuff

This past weekend, Ashley P., Drew, KT, and I all ventured to Valdosta to waste away a night that would otherwise be spent at Ashley’s house drinking Kool-Aid and playing on laptops. We got there and ate at Chic-fil-a. It was really good, despite these teen freak girls, their out of control staring problem, and my incredibly sore throat…more on that later. We went to the mall and shopped for about an hour, visited Best Buy where we encountered those same stupid girls, who this time set off some sort of alarm, one I had set off earlier and the guy told me that it was acting crazy, but still, it was funny to watch them feel stupid. Haha! Dumb bitches! That’s what you get for wearing such ridiculous outfits. After that, we stopped by Books-A-Million where I, of course, purchased the latest issues of Out and the Advocate, we visited Starbucks…really cute barista there, and stopped by Burger King and Wal-Mart and came home. It was fun. Except for my...

Outrageously, Horrible, Incredible, Unbearable, Mutated Case of Sore Throat

So, for about the last week and a half I have had a case of sinus congestion. No big deal. Nothing a little Tylenol Allergy/Sinus can’t fix. Well, about Thursday of last week, my sinus congestion turned into a full blown cold. Fever, Coughing, Runny nose, Achy bones, the whole works. My throat began to hurt a little, but no more than is expected with your average cold. But then, my mildly sore throat became the most unbearable thing one could imagine. It started hurting so bad that I couldn’t even swallow. I would have to allow my spit to accumulate for like 5 minutes before swallowing, in an attempt to reduce the frequency of pain.

I got in contact with my cousin who works at a doctor’s office and she was able to get me some free samples of a prescription grade antibiotic. I started taking it that day along with Nyquil at night and cough drops during the day. It didn’t have any affect on my pain. Although the pain was intense and hard to handle, I decided to go to Valdosta. It got even worse that night and I had to stop at the local Wal-Mart and purchase some Chloroseptic Spray to try and ease the pain. It felt as though my throat was closing by the minute. It was actually getting hard to breathe…let alone swallow.

I called my mom and told her that I thought I need to go to the Emergency room and get it seen about. She told me that I shouldn’t, but yeah, I did anyway. I went to the hospital that night with Ashley P., Drew and Justin. We signed in and got back in the ER in less than 20 minutes. The nurse told me that my throat was really swollen and that I looked like I needed something to decrease the swelling. She gave me a Lorcet to take away all my pain and worries and then swabbed my throat with some liquid Litacaine to take care of the swelling right away. She told me I had a really good gag reflex…or that I had none at all. I was happy about that!

I waited for about another hour and a half for the doctor to come in. When he finally did get there, all he had to say was, “Finish your antibiotic. Take some Tylenol. And gargle 5 times a day for 4 minutes with warm, salty water.” WTF? That’s it! That’s all his ass wanted to say to me. I was so freaking pissed. He could have at least given me a shot or something. But no, just some asinine advice and told me to have a good night. Yeah, or at least what was left of it.

Update: I feel a whole lot better. My throat isn’t hurting now and I don’t have and cold symptoms. I am happy. I just can’t wait to get that bill. I am guessing somewhere around $1000 at least, since they are adding a third floor onto the hospital. What do you think?

Well, I guess that about does it for the update. I don’t think I will ever wait this long again to post since I can’t leave out any detail. I hope you’ve enjoyed. Thanks for reading. Until next time, adios.