And We're Off...

Yeah...WE'RE...all 1,000,000 new freshmen and I are back to school. My god...parking space anyone? No, you know why...they're all freaking filled. I had to park in the West Coffee Middle parking lot today...well, maybe not, but it was way too far. I have a love/hate relationship with fall semesters...I love to watch all the new freshmen acclimate to college life with their cute little dresses and prissy little walks and coy little smiles at their professors. I think Whitney Houston said it best in last week’s episode of 'Being Bobby Brown.' "...KISS MY ASS!" Amen!

I am excited to be back at school after a summer of work. I am anticipating all A's. It's possible...it's just up to me do get my shit done.

I have:

1. American Lit with Dr. Webster (seems cool, loves to give quizzes, democrat),
2. Spanish II with Sra. Briceno (lovely lady, eager to help, ridiculous Spanish soap opera used as learning tool, another child),
3. Health with Tarver (dry humor, can’t see, hardly anyone to talk to),
4. Botany with Dr. Yeomans (extremely interesting and intelligent, looks for reaction, “…Snakes, bugs, and occasional bleeding!”),
5. Social Problems with Dr. Steverson (funny, open discussion + stupid people = my kind of class),
6. Statistics with Dr. Chen (dedicated, ‘fun math’, “..If the accent bothers you, you can find some other class. I don’t know how else you say!”).

It’s going to be interesting. More posts to come, I’m sure.


Just so you know…

I had a wonderful end to my summer. I got to visit Georgia State in Atlanta. I didn’t really like it. It was missing something…what was it…oh yeah, TREES, GRASS, NATURE. My lord…I’m looking for a college whose campus possesses some semblance to nature, a fichus tree, Astroturf, anything!

Georgia Tech, on the other hand, had a really nice, quaint campus. Someone described it as resembling a ‘hobbit village’. I guess I can see that. But I must tell you, the Biology building is a bitch to locate, especially when on foot.

Awe…UGA and my dear friend Sam. I got to take part in settling her into her new home in Athens. Her place is so cute. Her roommate has been exposed to a little too much sun, real or artificial…either way. I think she is going to love it there. I’m sure she’ll find some interesting hobbies…oh wait! I am seriously considering UGA as a potential for next spring. Not sure how that is going to work out. Downtown Athens…yeah, loved it!

I got to spend a weekend with Miguel. Awe! That was so much fun. Laura Gordon, Kyle Ellis and I went up to Statesboro this past weekend to spend some time with him before school. We spent the night in his apartment, which he shares with his roommate Kori, and old high school friend…Can we say OCD! Yeah, she seems like an extremely neat and organized person. Even her bathroom was in pristine condition…or at least it WAS! I got to see Danielle and Lisa again. Lisa thinks I am funny. That makes me happy.

We ate, baked Miguel a birthday cake and spent the night talking…or at least Laura, Kyle and I did…Miguel was feigning sleep. Kyle and I tried putting his hand in warm water to make him pee on himself and when we were almost done, with his eyes still closed, he says to us, “You’re not even doing it right!” Kyle and I carried on conversation and Laura contributed here and there…Let’s just say that she and Kori’s vodka become fast friends. It was going great until Kyle started making funnel cakes. The next day Miguel gave us a tour of the Georgia Southern campus. Later that night we ordered pizza, watched Big Brother #? and got home around 11. I had a blast…as did Kyle!

This summer afforded me time to spend with friends. I became closer to most of my friends and discovered things about old friends that I, after the fact, may not have wanted to know. I love my friends, all of them. Even though we have our differences and get into spats sometimes…I would be a sad individual without them. I LOVE YOU ALL!


Grief’s…

I never got a raise and I am pissed. No one who could do anything about that will ever know that I am pissed…but yeah, PISSED!

I have a hole in the crotch of my shorts…shit is showing that NO ONE wants to see. But if you are interested in seeing ‘afore-alluded-to’ things, please contact me at phattboie@hotmail.com or call me at home at (912)383-7638.

There are no new, cute soccer players this semester. Makes me sad!


Well, I’m sure I meant to talk about more, but I have forgotten what it was. If it happens to come to me in the near future, like before I publish this…I will add it. But for now, “Ba da ba da da that’s all folks!”


I’ll leave you all with a quote from the one and only…Mr. Justin Lewis himself.

“I have a severe phobia of sitting in those balls at McDonalds and then getting a needle with AIDS stuck in my butt!”

And we're off...

If the Semi doesn't kill you, too much bleach will!

WHY?

Why do these ridiculous things always happen to me? I don't know if it is because I suck wang or because I am a fatass, but whatever it is...I don't like it and it needs to stop.

So I have been doing good, right. Friday night I went with Mark, Drew, KT, and Ashley to Valdosta. It was fun. We ate at Red Lobster...mmmmmmmm...so good. We went to the bookstore and I got all the lastest editions of all the things I love. We went to Starbucks and KT got some coffee drink, it was good. Then we went to Sonic and the dumb bitch working drive through was either too busy breast feeding her crack baby or either on crack herself. My god, we sat there in the drive through for what seemed like minutes...I didn't think this freak was ever going to repeat our order.

When we finally did get to the window to get our stuff, my chocolate cream cake shake...thanks KT...Drew farted. No wait, Drew officially became a fucking "terrorwist" as Betty Butterfield would say. This bitch has one more let out one of the most toxic farts I have ever been unfortunate enough to experience. Honestly, I had to open my door and puke right there. It made me so sick. The shake was good though...even if they did come in it.

I had fun that night. I went back to Valdosta again Saturday night with Kayla to eat dinner with Ashley and Jamie for her birthday. Jamie didn't want to come so it was just me and Ashley and Kayla eating at Longhorn when we spotted Ashley's "just turned 18 years old" sister sitting with her friends and this 26 year old guy that graduated before Ashley and had already been married and divorced...yeah...ugh...why was he trying to mack on highschoolers? Lord. Long story short, Kelly didn't want to stay with them, so we hatched a plan to free her and she ate with us and then rode home with us. It was fun, we sang in the car on the way home. Girl can sing.

So Sunday I didn't do much until later on in the evening. I met Drew and Ashley and we went to Drew's mother's church. This lady, the one who annoited Drew's room with holy oil and made crosses on his door and window when he told her he was gay, goes to one of those holyghost, fall in the floor, speak in tongues churches. I hadn't been to one of those churches since like 01'. It was funny. I was entertained. I think I spotted some homosexuals in the choir and a few rows back. The best part was when they took up the offering. They recited this thing that they apparently had memorized. And at one point they said..."And bless us to find money on the street!" No, I'm not kidding. Hmmm...it was more than I could take and I feel bad because everytime the preacher would attempt to be funny, I would laugh really loud. I don't think he liked it.

Monday...nothing interesting. Tuesday...well, Tuesday was fine until last night. After I got off of work, I went and picked up Sam and we went and got our Tokyo Express and headed out to Kayla's Aunt Sandra's house to eat it. We ate and then Kayla wanted me to fix up her myspace. It's cute. Then, OMG...then, our dear, sweet, innocent, shy, reserved friend Sam has one more put on a show for us. I can't go into details, but trust me, I'll NEVER forget it. I went home after that.

Well, I shouldn't say that I went home...I got about half way home when my truck ran out of gas. Yeah, I had never ran out of gas before in my life. Well, that one time with Drew, but not on my own. So it's like 2 in the morning and I am on the side of the road...no cars coming by and it is dark and I am scared. I know there is a BP store up the road, but I ain't walking up there...please! So I tried to crank it again and it started and got me half way up the hill and shut off in the MIDDLE of the road. I had to walk. I got to the store, the lady...a long time friend of my mother...gave me an old bleach jug...ha, bleach, you just wait...I rinsed it out and made the mistake of calling my house. I quickly hung up before anyone answered and called Kayla instead.

I told her what happened and her and Sam came to the store. By this time I had filled the bleach jug up with gas and was waiting. A cop pulled up and asked if I had a truck in the middle of the road, I said yes and that I was going to put gas in it. So Kayla and Sam got there and took me back to my truck where I had to use a make-shift paper funnel to put the gas in. The cop came back and made sure no one ran into me while I was doing that. I got the truck started and went and put $25 worth of gas in. I thanked the cop and kayla and the lady in the store and went home.

No, it didn't end there...no...not at all. Little backstory...I live in the country. We have a well. No bitch, not with a bucket and a crank...shut up...but a well none-the-less. When the water in the well gets low it can become cloudy and smell. So our water had been smelling like decaying animals for like 2 or 3 days and this 'well guy' told me dad to put SOME bleach into the well. Ok, that made sense to me...my grandparents use to store water in preparation for the end of the world and they would out a spoonful of bleach in the water to keep it from forming bacteria. But my dad...who knows nothing about wells and bleach to water ratios, puts 3 GALLONS of bleach into our well.

So I got home last night, tired and upset, and I got into the shower. OMG OMG OMG...the water had so much bleach that the smell was so strong that I started vomiting in the shower. I had to wash with curtain open so air could come in. My skin started to burn and I quickly got out and dried off. I went to my room to go to sleep, but I ate a bowl of cereal before and noticed that I couln't taste it. My nose was burning and all I could smell was bleach. It was soaked into my skin. I thought I was dying. So I got into my truck and rode around with the windows down so that the smell would dissipate, but I eventually ended up here at the college in my office at like 4:45 AM. I sat here for a moment and tried to go to sleep on the couch. I don't know why I thought being here would help the whole bleach situation. I left here around 6:30 AM, went to Burger King, got breakfast and then went home and fell asleep and didn't get up until 2 this afternoon.

So wow. That was a lot, but it was fun and scary, and toxic all at the same time. Oh, I was just informed that something happened at Kayla's Aunt Sandra's house. All the windows are broken out and her office was on fire. What the hell? But you have to understand that strange things happen around Kayla's house all the time. I hope the cats are all ok.

Until next ti...no wait. One more thing. Since a picture is worth a thousand words...here...



Any Questions?

Yo Quiero Amor

"Love is a many splendid thing! All you need is love. Love lifts you up!"

Whatever...that fake mess. Where is this love? I want to find it.

I am searching for a person to love. I am at a point in my life that I need to find someone who I can invest my love into. Yeah...I know. I never talk about this sort of stuff and most of the time I never think about it, but for some reason I am thinking about it tonight. Why? I don't know.

I don't think most people can even begin to fathom the fact that I, Jake Jewell, provider of kicks and giggles, has the desire to love. What am I talking about? My lord.

blah blah blah. Why can't I find someone to love. Nevermind...I don't think I want to talk about this anymore...I get depressed...blahchie, blahchie, blah. Well...I think I am going to go for tonight. Yeah...adios mis amigos!

all work and no play makes for an ugly ass centerpiece

Stop, In the name of boredom...

BORED OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND.

Sitting here at the college doing these stupid centerpieces for the 100 year celebration. The first one was fun because I got to be all creative, but now this whole assembly line thing isn't working for me.

For a brillant centerpiece you will need:
-clear vase
-clear marbles
-gold, foil stuff
-old cds
-votive candles
-blue and gold foil star crap

Step 1: Fill vase with clear marbles.
Step 2: Tape 7 gold, foil things together and stick in the vase with the marbles.
Step 3: Add some gold and blue foil stars to the other gold crap so that it sorta
looks like fireworks...(ha, not at all people!)
Step 4: Tape 7 old cd's, shiny side up, into a flower shape.
Step 4: Put the vase full of 'fireworks' in the center of the cd flower.
Step 5: Put three votive candles around the vase.
Step 6: (optional) Put some clear easter grass looking mess around the base of
the vase along with some clear used christmas ornaments.

and voila! you have a handy-dandy center piece for you next centennial celebration.

The NEW footballers arrived last Sunday. They’re not as friendly and therefore not as hot as the old ones. They do, however, speak to me more. I have some old beer at my house and a few pills. We’ll see what happens.

Ok, well Pete is back and so that means it’s time for gold stars and other shit again. I’ll update later about more mundane things. Toodles.